* Love and marriage *
* Go together like A horse and carriage *
* This I tell ya, brother *
* You can't have one *
* Without the other *
* Love and marriage *
* It's an institute You can't disparage *
* Ask the local gentry *
* And they will say It's elementary *
* Try, try, try To separate them *
* It's an illusion *
* Try, try, try *
* And you will only come To this conclusion *
* Love and marriage **
Uh, Mom, are you going to make any breakfast today?
Nah, I'm not hungry.
Well, maybe tomorrow.
Hey, did anybody hear any noises last night?
Well, your father had gas.
No. These were noises I never heard before.
Well, then it could have been
a girl moaning your name.
AL: Peg! We're out of toilet paper!
Daddy's up.
Use some tissues.
Where are the tissues?
On the top shelf of the linen closet.
I think.
You need anything while I'm up?
Well, Daddy's going to be in a mood.
Just tell him I went shopping.
Could you get us some milk?
[LAUGHS]
Did you hear any noises last night, Kel?
I mean, for a while,
I thought they were coming from your room,
but they weren't the usual noises.
You know, the whispers,
"Quiet. You'll wake up my parents."
Then the muffled sound of eight footsteps
heading for the window.
Then the sound of loose change
hitting the pillow.
You know, Bud,
with your good looks, I think that you should be a model.
I mean, I could see it now, your little face on a poster
with the caption,
"My daddy didn't use a condom."
You know, I had a horrible dream last night.
There was this big mosquito
with a huge red head and tight pants...
Hovering over me,
sucking money from my wallet.
Then it wanted a kiss.
By the way, where is your mother?
Uh, she went shopping.
The garage or basement?
Basement.
Did you hear any noises last night?
It might have been me sobbing, son.
Aah!
Oh! Oh! Aah!
Aw, jeez. What?
Oh, Al, it was horrible. It was terrible.
I've never been so scared in my entire life.
What's the matter? You see the vacuum?
No.
Al, it was a mouse.
Oh, great. This was all our life was missing.
Kill it, Al.
Well, don't worry.
As soon as it sees how we live,
it'll go away.
I know I would.
No, Al, you've got to kill it.
It was so disgusting.
Oh, hold me.
Oh, why?
I didn't do anything wrong.
Why are you so afraid of a little mouse, anyway?
Well, it all started when I was five.
You see,
I found this little stray Chihuahua puppy in the yard.
I snuck it past mother and I kept it in my room.
I slept with it and snuggled it and kissed it,
and then one day, it got sick.
And still, you go on kissing others.
Anyway, I took it to my kindergarten teacher,
and I said, "What's wrong with my dog?"
She said, "That's not a dog, dear.
It's a mouse."
And then she threw up.
And then all the kids threw up.
And then, they made up this little song about me.
* Mouse in your face Worms in your hair *
* Where's the little Mouse girl? *
* There, there, there **
[SNORTING]
Well, that's sweet. Thank you very much.
Well, kids, I think we learned something today.
Don't touch your mother. She has cooties.
Al, call an exterminator.
Great. $50 for someone to kill some stupid mouse?
I'll take care of it after work.
I don't know what the big deal is.
I mean, what harm can one little mouse do?
Well, that takes care of that.
The traps are set.
That mouse has seconds to live.
So as usual, it proves that Daddy's life is dirt,
and, uh, he's defeated the enemy.
Don't be too sure, Dad.
It says right here
that mice are pretty intelligent.
Yeah, right.
Look, Bud, a mouse has a brain about this big.
Mine's at least twice that size.
Yeah, but if you only use it half as much,
it becomes a fair fight again.
Dad, you cannot be serious.
A mousetrap in my room?
The guys under the bed object, Kel?
Dad, it's a humiliation.
I mean, what are my friends going to think
when they come over and see mousetraps all over the place?
Well, they'll think that, unlike Mr. Bundy,
the mouse gets to eat before he dies.
Mom, how long are we going to have to live with this mouse?
Well, your father's taking care of it.
Oh, great. Might as well build him a room.
Does anybody but me think it's strange
that with the three of you here, it's the mouse I'm after?
Ah, look. I'm going bowling.
Oh, no, you're not.
You are not leaving this family alone
until either you or that mouse is dead.
Wow, what a horse race.
[MOUSETRAP SNAPS]
He's done.
What?
Why doesn't somebody check the trap?
Well, I can't. It's just too disgusting.
Oh, come on.
You used to sleep with one.
Well, I sleep with you too,
but you don't see me cleaning up after you,
do you?
This is great.
"Daddy, I need money." "Daddy, I need food."
"Daddy, we need somebody
to clean up a mouse with a broken neck."
Just once I'd like to hear,
"Al, I'm out of here and I'm taking the kids."
But on the good side, life is half over.
Kids, I am sorry to make such a big fuss
over such a little thing like a mouse,
but you know,
there are just some things from childhood
you just can't forget.
I hope that isn't true, Mom.
Now, how about a hug?
Can't, Mom. You've got cooties.
Is he down there? Did you get him?
What happened, Al?
He doodied on the trap.
And in my bowling shoes.
Oh, my God.
He was in your shoes and he lived?
This is no ordinary mouse.
Can we call the exterminator now?
No, no. It's personal now.
Not only will I kill this mouse,
I'll torture it.
I'll smack him around.
I'll throw it against the wall,
and if there's one spark of life left
in its twitching little body,
I'll strap it to a chair, tape its eyelids open,
and make it watch Thirtysomething.
No one doodies in Al Bundy's shoes
and lives!
I'm worried about Daddy.
Shh!
Mom, even if the mouse is stupid enough
to stick his head out for the cheese,
won't Dad smash his hand with the hammer?
Yes, Bud, he will.
But you know, everyone who watches Roadrunner cartoons
knows the coyote is going over the cliff,
but you watch it and laugh anyway.
A-ha!
Aah!
Beep beep!
I can hear him laughing, Peg.
He thinks he's got me.
No, Al.
He's laughing because he knows I've got you.
Well, you know I have no insurance,
so you must be killing me for the sport.
Honey, believe me.
Don't you think I wish you could do things
like kill a mouse, make love, earn a living?
But, sweetheart, you can't.
Now, I've learned to live with poverty and frustration,
but I just have to draw the line when it comes to rodents.
So please call an exterminator.
Maybe, just maybe, a professional can succeed
where an idiot has failed.
Well, you'd love that, wouldn't you?
You get a pro in here,
catch him in a couple of seconds,
and leave me standing here looking stupid.
Yeah, you and the mouse
would really get a chuckle out of that.
Well, don't count on it,
because I haven't played all my cards yet.
I went downstairs
and I only pretended to take up all the traps,
but I left one, a big one,
with a nice juicy piece of cheese,
and this one won't go off with just a little pressure,
giving him time to escape.
No, this one takes the entire body of a mouse
to set it off.
I checked it myself.
You know, that's what really sets you apart, Al.
An average Joe would have used a stick.
Listen! I hear something!
[MOUSETRAP SNAPS]
[DOG YELPS]
You stupid dog!
Al, honey, listen.
You tried. You did your best.
But you're just not smart enough.
Now, please, call an exterminator.
No one has to know.
You know,
we could tell everybody that you caught it.
How would that be?
Well...
[MOUSE CHEWING]
What is that?
He's chewing. Al, he's always chewing.
Now, what do you say?
BUD: Dad!
Dad, the mouse chewed through the wires.
What do I say, Peg?
I say stand back,
because I'm kicking some mouse ass!
And $75 for the vet.
Oh, and then there's the electrician.
They're really expensive.
That's another $200.
That comes to...
$680 in damages from one mouse.
I'm sorry, Peggy.
Why can't men ever utter the words,
"I don't know how"?
Even on our honeymoon, Al just would not admit it.
I really thought Steve would be able to talk Al
into getting an exterminator.
But, just like a man, he says, "We can do it ourselves."
[AMPLIFIED BREATHING]
Don't go upstairs. We set off some bombs.
Oh, tell Bud I think his goldfish is dead.
How's my oxygen, Al?
Good. Mine?
Check. Let's hit the basement.
And they wanted to hire an exterminator.
Well, at least yours makes money.
Yes, and yours--
STEVE: It's him!
AL: 12:00, coming hard!
Watch him! Watch him!
Aah! Aah!
[COUGHING]
What happened?
Steve came up behind me. I thought he was the mouse.
I shot from the hip.
I'll tell you this.
If that mouse had been where Steve's face was,
he'd be one dead mouse.
Did we get him?
No, buddy,
but we took out the water heater.
Steve? Pumpkin?
Who's speaking?
It's Marcie, Steve.
Maybe now you'll tell Al to hire a professional.
That's just like you, Marcie.
It's like when we're out driving,
and I know where I'm going,
and you keep saying, "Ask someone."
It is so irritating.
By the way, Marcie,
I inhaled a great quantity of poison.
Don't worry about it, Steve.
It wasn't for nothing.
We may not have got him with a direct hit,
but I'll tell you this.
He'll be dropping soon,
because we cut short the lifespan
of every living thing in this house.
[MOUSE FEET TAPPING]
That's him!
He's not running as fast as he used to.
Saddle up, Steve. We're going back in.
Forget it, Al. The mouse beat you.
Now, you know it, we know it, and Steve...
Well, if he didn't have toxic poisoning,
he'd know it too.
Now, I am calling an exterminator.
Don't call an exterminator!
Why not?
Because we melted the phone line
when we took out the water heater.
It's okay, Peggy. You can use my phone.
Steve, you don't look so good.
Honey, come on home, and I'll lie you down.
Oh ho ho!
You'd love that, wouldn't you?
Well, I can take care of myself.
The feeling's coming back to my feet,
and I'm seeing colors again.
So I'm fine.
You go ahead.
I know what I'm doing.
Come on, Peg.
I think I'm dying, Al.
Right, but we won't give her the satisfaction.
We'll pretend that you're just real sick.
Right, buddy.
But I'll tell you,
we made one hell of a team down there,
didn't we?
No, we didn't, Steve.
We shot each other in the face with poison
while he danced on the walls.
What became of my life?
I used to win.
Sports, fights...
Anything I'd put my mind to, I'd win.
You know why, Steve?
Oh, just tell me, Al. My innards are rotting.
Okay.
It's because no matter how big the guy was
I was up against,
I wouldn't quit.
I remember one football game.
We were up against this team
that had the biggest linebacker in the city.
He was like a building with teeth.
I tried finessing him, faking him,
but he was always there.
He was real good, real, real cocky.
I don't like cocky guys.
Anyhow, towards the end of the game,
I decided that I was going to try something
that no one else tried before with this guy.
I was going to run right at him.
I ran right over him
like a bus over an ice cream cone.
It was the only touchdown we scored that day,
but I was a winner.
You know what becomes of winners, Steve?
They become shoe salesmen.
They lose to their kids and their wives...
To a mouse.
You know something, Al,
I think I am going to go home and lie down.
It's not so much the poison
as your life that's making me sick.
You know what the problem is with this mouse, Steve?
We've been too cute with him.
We've been finessing him, we've been faking him.
He's cocky.
I don't like cocky mice.
So this time,
I'm going right at him.
Al?
What are you doing up there?
I have a date with a mouse, Peg.
Dad's gone, isn't he?
Will we be getting a new dad?
Al?
Honey?
I like the mouse.
Really.
Kids, don't we like that mouse?
Oh, yeah.
He's the coolest.
He's the deadest.
Okay, kids. Now, listen to me carefully.
Remember when we used to have that fire drill
where we would calmly walk single file to the nearest exit?
Well, this is no drill.
Let's just get the hell out of here!
Say, "Cheese."
Hello!
[GUNSHOTS]
Al?
Are you okay?
Call me a doctor, Peg!
Well, what happened?
I think I dislocated my shoulder.
This thing kicks like a mule.
Oh, by the way, I missed it,
and we have no furnace.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hi, folks.
I'm Wally from Wally's Pest Control.
We hate meeces to pieces.
Yeah, we stole it,
but the cartoon characters can't sue.
You'll never get him.
Come on.
He's right down here in the basement.
Never.
Not in a million years.
This is a mouse from hell.
He'll never get him, Peg.
A little wimp like that?
The mouse will have him for dinner.
Well, got him.
You didn't get him. No one could get him!
Well, "Nobody" just did.
It was easy.
Poor thing was trapped on a piece of wood
in the rising water down there.
But technically I got him.
I'm the one that blew up the basement.
So I got him, right?
You sure did. Ha!
Let me see him.
That's him.
You don't look so tough in there, do you?
You know, lots of times,
kids get these little white mice as pets.
Parents won't let them keep them,
so they just turn them loose in the streets.
Want to see him, Mrs. Bundy?
Oh, no. Get that away.
Oh, come on, Peg. He can't hurt you.
You've got to learn to face your fears.
Now, take a look at him, just once.
Stop being a girl.
Gee, Al. You were right.
All these years, I've been deathly afraid of mice,
and for nothing,
and it took you to show me that.
Thanks, Al.
Uh-huh.
Good night, honey.
Good night, Peg.
[SQUEAKING]
Isn't that cute, Al?
He's running on the treadmill.
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]